I just died from a terrible explosion...statistics is the cause

How to know if your best friend is a killer...and how to protect yourself if she is.

(Update: I wrote this a little drunk and sleep deprived. I'm posting it without reading it first.)

1. She has tagged you in an album on facebook called “no secret mission is complete without murder and rape.

If this ever happens, you are in danger. Although you were not the subject of her rage on this particular night, you have realized that there is probably reason to believe that you are best friends with a real life murderer.

2. She often cuts herself playing with knives

Whenever you talk to her, she has another story about how she was injured when cleaning a knife, putting away a knife, or looking at a knife which begs the question of why she always is in possession of a knife? Your friend is not a chef or a butcher, so there is no need for her to be consistently in the company of a knife.

3. She has no fear of blood and you will often find her reading books that involve destroying someone

She is probably gathering data on the procedure to destroy someone and to clean up after herself...or maybe she is studying the good guys moves. You just can't outsmart Nancy Drew unless you get inside her mind first. Clearly, your best friend has felt the need to do research on how to make sure she doesn't get caught.

4. Bed Intruder is her ringtone

Your best friend is most likely the bed intruder and is so proud that she managed to pull off her attempted murder and rape that she has to listen to the song all the time.

In order to protect yourself from such a beast, you must first figure out how to turn her into Cookie Monster or something. That way she can still give little kids nightmares, but she can also just sit around eating cookies (which will make her happy). Also, it is important that you become a zombie immediately because being a zombie means being able to more easily destroy her abilities. You will be able to read her mind and feel her fear. She will no longer kill if you do this, but she will be human forever.  

Why I wish I were a zombie

1. I would never die. EVER.

I could just run around terrorizing people forever. They wouldn't be able to kill me with anything, even silver bullets because some other zombie would probably be able to sew my head back on and I would continue terrorizing everyone forever. Plus, not dying means constant fun!

2. I could go wherever I wanted always.

No one is going to stop a zombie from going inside that old castle/farmhouse/field/thing that has signs that say no trespassing. Instead, they will let me go in and make it my own fort. No one will even dare to go into (my) castle because I am a scary ass zombie and I might be trying to start some kind of an apocalypse.

3. I wouldn't have to get dressed or take a shower.

Although showering is a basic human need that I enjoy doing on a daily basis, if I were a zombie, being repulsive would be my job. It would also allow me to be completely lazy if I wanted to be and not shower. I also wouldn't have to worry about picking out clothes because they would get all torn up and nasty anyway. Who wants a nicely dressed zombie whore around?

4. I could kidnap my ex boyfriends and scare them all.

Ex boyfriends would NEVER see it coming when a mother f*cking zombie appears on their doorstep all drooling and nasty. It would be the perfect revenge plan, and you couldn't get in trouble for kidnapping because the cops would be too afraid of you anyway. Besides, becoming a zombie and hiding your ex boyfriends in your fort is like THE BEST revenge. I mean, you just can't beat that. No matter what. Scaring them would be like your food...it would pretty much be your mana bar.

5. I would have superpowers.

Who knows what kind of zombie super power I would have. I hope that it would be mind reading because then I would know what a person was going to do before they did it and be able to attack easier. Also, I think I would love to hear how scared they were of me. Who has ever seen a real (dead) zombie before?!

How To Know When You S-I-N-G-L-E

1. You haven’t talked to them in 3 days.

There is a 3 day rule for relationships greater than 1.5 months old.  If you haven’t communicated with each other for greater than 3 days, than guess what? He doesn’t care enough about you to answer his phone or call you. The only excuse for this behavior is if you (the girlfriend) put bubblegum in his phone or dropped it in some form of liquid (on accident of course, you have no need to ruin his life yet!)

2. You make a raging play list on itunes without even thinking about it.

Songs include “What the hell” by Avril Lavigne. Soon you find yourself singing catchy tunes about how he never calls or listens to you…and then it applies to your life. And then after that it’s all over. You find a million songs until the minor raging play list has turned into a man hating rampage. You clearly are just so mad right now you could care less about what this stupid guy thinks. Before you know it, you’ve listened to Carrie Underwood’s Before He Cheats so many times that you are convinced that he is cheating on you and that you should ruin his life.

3. You sent them a sweet email that you are both now ignoring and pretending never happened

This definitely means that he probably doesn’t give a crap or else he just never reads his email. You know the latter to be untrue because you have seen him check his email in front of you. It may have been a vodka induced state that gave you the liquid courage to express your feelings, but obviously, he’s just not that into you because he hasn’t commented on it AT ALL.

4. You can’t really mess with them at all because they are so passive about everything

They don’t think you are any fun anymore, or else they are too busy being a grown up to enjoy a little comic relief in their day. This is when you dress up in all of your craziest clothes and polka dance around him to try to get him react to anything. Don’t worry, he’ll be in a semi-comatose state ignoring your every move. Yep, it’s over.


The good news is, hopefully you trapped the essence of him into some kind of creative outlet. Maybe you can twist your words into knives or just delete everything good you ever wrote about him, because he is proving to not be as good as you thought he was because he doesn’t care about what you need to be happy.