How to know if your best friend is a killer...and how to protect yourself if she is.

(Update: I wrote this a little drunk and sleep deprived. I'm posting it without reading it first.)

1. She has tagged you in an album on facebook called “no secret mission is complete without murder and rape.

If this ever happens, you are in danger. Although you were not the subject of her rage on this particular night, you have realized that there is probably reason to believe that you are best friends with a real life murderer.

2. She often cuts herself playing with knives

Whenever you talk to her, she has another story about how she was injured when cleaning a knife, putting away a knife, or looking at a knife which begs the question of why she always is in possession of a knife? Your friend is not a chef or a butcher, so there is no need for her to be consistently in the company of a knife.

3. She has no fear of blood and you will often find her reading books that involve destroying someone

She is probably gathering data on the procedure to destroy someone and to clean up after herself...or maybe she is studying the good guys moves. You just can't outsmart Nancy Drew unless you get inside her mind first. Clearly, your best friend has felt the need to do research on how to make sure she doesn't get caught.

4. Bed Intruder is her ringtone

Your best friend is most likely the bed intruder and is so proud that she managed to pull off her attempted murder and rape that she has to listen to the song all the time.

In order to protect yourself from such a beast, you must first figure out how to turn her into Cookie Monster or something. That way she can still give little kids nightmares, but she can also just sit around eating cookies (which will make her happy). Also, it is important that you become a zombie immediately because being a zombie means being able to more easily destroy her abilities. You will be able to read her mind and feel her fear. She will no longer kill if you do this, but she will be human forever.