An Open Letter To My Apartment Complex

Dear Apartment Complex,

As you may have noticed, there is snow on the ground. A lot of it.

Generally, in the winter months, snow removal becomes important for the ability of humankind to participate in their day to day activities. You know, work, to make money to pay the rent?

However, when I returned home on Friday evening, no snow or ice removal was evident. Instead, I had to maneuver my car over a mountain of disgusting, icy, snow slush until I had created a parking space. This would be understandable if the snow had just stopped, but it was 2 days past.

This morning, I crossed a path of black ice that almost killed me which begged the question of why there was no salt on the ground. Maybe with the increase in rent you could make our living environment safer??

Love,
Alli

When Parents Are Away, Alli Will Play!

All I wanted to do was have a swimming pool inside. All the cool kids had one and I felt like I must deserve one too. Plus, since I was the only child and my parents gave me everything BUT a swimming pool, it only made sense that I begin building one for myself.

Of course my parents could know nothing about this.

I checked to make sure no one was around. The dog was sleeping, dad was at work, and mom was downstairs working...

I guess my mom was either so focused that she didn't care what her 2 year old was doing, or she thought I was sleeping, but my plans to build the gigantic swimming pool began.

The wood floor in my room was good enough I figured because it would hold a lot of water. 

And this way I could easily just jump out of my bed in the morning and go swimming just like Ariel did in The Little Mermaid.

The only thing to do was begin filling several cups full of water and throw them on the floor. Since I was pretty small, the water would be deep enough soon enough and then all my fun would begin.

Visions of me in my water wings kept crossing my mind as I continued to fill the room with water. I was like a rabid hyena, laughing and running and filling the room up. 

This is when my mom realized something was wrong.

My room was right above her little office area in the basement.

And water was starting to drip down through the ceiling near her computer.

My room wasn't holding water, and it was starting to take longer than I thought to fill the room. My little body was starting to get tired and the water was getting heavy to carry.

So my mom caught me.

I was pretty disappointed. My mom was pretty mad. Good thing I was the cutest kid ever and they couldn't do anything to me! :) 

The Cheesecake Factory Adventure

Last night, Best Friend (aka NOT boyfriend) took me out to dinner for the first time ever. It took me forever to get dressed because I figured this was a once in a lifetime type of deal. If he hadn't taken me out to eat yet, he probably wouldn't ever do it again. I finally (after 3 hours, a nap, and 20 million phone calls to Best Friend) decided to continue wearing my sweater dress because I could wear leggings (basically, it's like not wearing pants, which is amazing).

On my way to his house I get a text from him telling me that he is going to take a shower and to just knock on the door when I get there so his parents can let me in. I get there and knock. Nothing. It's cold out. I knock again. Nothing. I hear laugher inside. I knock again. Nothing. So I decided to just sit quietly outside until maybe Jesse would let me in.

Finally I get inside.

No one could hear me knocking.

After a little while, Jesse finally picks out his clothing (apparently this was just as epic of a situation as I thought it was, so he struggled too) and decides to show me this stupid car racing game on the internet for about 10 minutes before I made my demand known that I must eat. Being as smart as he is, he shows me one more race and we go.

Soon enough we are sitting awkwardly at a restaurant together. It was awkward. What do you talk about? So we decided to continue our conversation about Zelda and the Water Temple that we were going to need to beat.

This is when the butter incident happened.

I couldn't get the wrapper off so I handed it to Jesse to get off. By this point both our hands are covered in butter. I wanted to share it with him so we wouldn't get fat so we just broke it in half with our butter covered hands.

We ate like wild animals.

This is when I realized, there is a reason why Jesse and I don't eat together in public EVER. It's like demons possess us and we start eating like we had never eaten before. Food is everywhere, I am attempting to not spill, he's attempting to not knock over my glass of water.

It was just a different combination.

Needless to say, we decided to eat our cheesecake at my house. We then proceeded to play Zelda until we fell asleep on the futon and then woke up to play some more.

I love my best friend. <3

Storks, Broken Hearts, Trouble...OH MY!

I'd like to start this post educating the world on the multiple purposes of the Stork. Of course it often brings babies to unsuspecting couples, however, it also is responsible for delivering girlfriends to the men of the world.

Women have known this secret for years obviously because when they have been picked up and transplanted to different corners of the country and world repeatedly, it would be necessary for an explanation.

This is how I ended up in NoVA. That darn stork scooped me up and made me go all over the Virginia. These stupid men keep ditching me so it comes and gets me and puts me somewhere else. So far, I'm liking my current placement. 

Which leads me to how to avoid a broken heart. Don't look for a girlfriend. You need to be patient and wait for the stork to transplant the perfect girl into your life. It will happen seamlessly and easily. Searching is ruining the storks mojo and has led to each poor woman's repeated transplantation until she is placed with a nice unsuspecting man.

Let her stay in one place. It is better for her sanity and yours. 

I am still alive!

I have been quiet lately.

Sorry.

It seems that school and working 70 hours a week while balancing special people drained me. If I could melt, I was the puddle on the ground. My brain leaked out of my ears as well, leading me to make some strange decisions.

First, I decided to become a hippie and only wear peasant shirts and floral prints. Turns out, I look good in floral prints.

Second, I started deciding to never match ever. Sometimes it works. Today is questionable. I will post a picture.

Third, I almost switched what grad school I am in. I came to my senses after telling my other half about it. (literally other half-knows what you are thinking before you say it-mirror-balancing-teammate-friend-trusty sidekick).

Writing that last line was sort of comforting and shook me awake. You don't often end up around someone who can be everything in one.

I should keep that safe.

Coworkers noticed my incredible efforts at balance and all my attempts to not destroy the entire world.

Great success. As tired as I am today, I actually feel pretty good about the future. That's a first. Normally I impulsively make terrible decisions like getting married, engaged, moving in with someone before I was ready for that kind of relationship, moving to Norfolk, sometimes I wonder if moving to Virginia was a crappy decision. All of these terrible decisions worked out though and I have a career, home, car, happiness, and really good friends.

Plus, all the bad things that have happened only taught me what not to do and how to handle everything.
I promise you, for a 23 year old, I really might know SOMETHING about most things.

...so, this is my happy, I am alive, balanced, and good blog.

I will post a few pictures later.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

I get more ridiculous on a daily basis.

Today I was yelling at someone on the phone, kinda out of frustration.

I didn't think anyone was around so I yelled "YOU CAN PUT YOUR SPERM WHEREVER YOU WANT, WHENEVER YOU WANT WITH NO CONSEQUENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Mistake.

Someone was sitting in their car with the window down.

Now everyone knows how I feel about men.

They suck!

While they sit there and complain that their girlfriend is annoying them, I am sitting there wondering if they know what she is going through. She has to bleed for 7 days every month to prepare her body for the child that she might someday carry that may be yours. She has to get bloated, emotional, tired, irritable, swell up, be nauseated, have to unplug her air fresheners because they are too strong, deal with cramps, pay money for supplies, pick up after you, deal with your bad attitude, take a pill every month to prevent your from having offspring...

Basically, you suck.

I have a really bad habit!

I tell people EXACTLY what I think of their behavior these days.

"There is absolutely no reason to be THAT rude." I said to someone today.

Yesterday I think I said something similar to the same person.

My opinions of someone are carried through my speech and they are brutally honest.

Yesterday I realized this was an issue I should begin to work on. Maybe I should be a better liar. Even if I try to lie, my face gives me away...either that or I start giggling. I am a terrible liar. I have no idea how to control myself and my comments.

Some are appreciative of my honesty. I will be the first person to tell you that you have something on your face, in your teeth, or toilet paper stuck to your ass.

In fact, I recently told someone in the elevator that it was her time of the month and it was all over her butt. Talk about EMBARRASSING. I debated saying anything that time, but there was NO WAY I was going to let this girl walk around that way.

Even more than objective things that you notice that might be on someone, I am famous for telling people EXACTLY what I think of them, positive or negative.

It can not be changed.

I have debated even deciding to break this habit into "constructive criticism" before I realized that assholes should learn that they suck and should change. I tell them this.

Telling someone how RUDE they are today was my feeling of accomplishment. I could walk around all day with my head held high knowing that I am a NICE girl and that people like me. (I don't know if people like me because I am really weird and weird girls are in style right now or if people think that I am cool because I am just that cool).

However, even though I know it is not socially acceptable to call certain people assholes and mean it, I don't think I will ever change. Maybe I could stand to develop a little more tact. Maybe it is the mental health professional within me causing me to redirect EVERYONE. Or maybe, I am perfect the way I am and you should never expect anything but the truth from me when I tell you how I feel about you.

Compliment or insult? Up to you to decide!

How I Learned To Drive In Snow

In order to commemorate the wonderful snow that has been predicted I thought I would share a story about how I became a legend in Shakopee, MN.

I'm going to say that this had to be in 2005 or 2006 in the winter. Clearly, I am old enough and have had my driver's license long enough to know how to drive in the snow, but I was a teenager, and teenagers are completely irrational. Especially this girl (if you read ANY of my other posts, this is completely obvious, from the time I was a small child believing in Ezras and then to try to destroy my sister).

I was leaving for work or to go somewhere and my car slid right off the driveway. All by itself, I swear! Now if i weren't completely stubborn, I probably could have called a friend or my dad to get me out, but instead I called Shakopee Towing.

I paid them however much I had to pay them and whatever, it was fine. They left. I drove down the driveway and went around the curve by my house and slid off the road. 

Once again, I could have gotten out of it if someone had come along with a truck, or if I had called my dad or a friend, but nope. I sat there ANGRY. I was so mad that I wouldn't even get out of the car and go inside my house (I slid onto my front yard, this is how irrational I was).

After being pissed off for awhile, I called Shakopee Towing again. Paid them whatever money I had and then did what I had to do and came home to get ready to go to work.

During the LONG process it used to take me to get ready for work, my mom started flipping out.

My mom was always flipping out back then because the little kids were always getting hurt.

This time it was legit.

She was CONVINCED that my baby brother had broken his arm.

SO she told me I had to drive her and my brother to the hospital (attached to the nursing home where I worked).

There was snow blowing across the road so she told me to slow down, but I was an adult. I knew what I was doing.

And then.

FLYYYYYYYYYYYYING.

Right into a DEEP ditch.

At this point I was willing to sit there all day and night. I was NOT going to call the towing company again.

This did not go well with my mother who was concerned about my brother.

She asked for my cell phone.

Being the very rational ADULT that I was I told her I didn't want her to waste my minutes.

So she said "Give me your f*cking phone NOW."

I gave her the phone.

Then the police came.

They didn't yell at me because my mom probably looked like she was going to kill me.

Anyway, they got me out of the ditch.

I never ran off the road again. My mom's angry face is burned into my brain for the rest of life. 

RAWR

You know what to do when you read my blog. Now do it. (Not gouge your eyes out, vomit, lose brain cells...)

You're So Vain, You Probably Think This Blog Is About You

It's not. Don't worry.

Self-Destruct in 3...2...1...

Often when things are going really well, I become suspicious of them and start plotting how I can destroy whatever is around me.

Normally I channel this into something good like my job, cooking, painting. I also rely heavily on intuition which tells me when I can't channel this and instead I begin to pay attention to whatever little thing inside me is telling me to become aware.

This is the point when it becomes obvious that I am going to go on my dinosaur path of destruction. I will destroy everything in sight.

This coupled with my completely unhealthy addiction to Diet Coke give me the ability to continue terrorizing everything until it has reduced itself to a pile of ashes.

This is never good.

Once it is completely destroyed I realize that I shouldn't have become so suspicious in the first place and then begin trying to reconstruct everything in order to try to make everything the same as it once was.

I'm kinda like some kind of Godzilla - but a friendly one. It's this weird self-defense mechanism that turns on and sometimes I just can't turn it off until I am completely sure that I have every reason to not need it. It's the times that I think I don't need it that I actually do. I know I should have trusted my intuition in the first place and then the ashes that are scattered around me happen to be my own.

Unfortunately, I have no way to distinguish when to trust it and when to not trust it, so about this point in time is where I begin to destroy. There are times when as much destruction as I plan and act on, nothing happens because the subject of my destruction is completely immune to it. Or maybe they are on the exact same path to ruin the world as I am on and therefore we just collide and bond like molecules do.

Or maybe I get emotionally attached and then the fear of every hurting anyone keeps me in check.

Sometimes when I start to feel those invisible emotions forming I panic.

I'm looking for every way out, but I don't want to get out. So I stand there still. I just stand. Thinking/Planning/Deciding if this is worth it or not or if it really is real. So much of me knows that it isn't real but then the same so much of me knows that I am being absolutely ridiculous and nothing I do will ever guarantee the outcome so I might as well enjoy being reduced to ashes.

Why statistics is important

The No Filter Issue *UPDATED*

I never realized until lately how bad I am about making completely awkward statements that have absolutely no place coming out of my mouth at all.

Yes, I have been dating you for 6 weeks, let me now begin making incredibly awkward and uncomfortable statements about the future.

#1 “YAY! That means I can bring home my work stuff and you can help me work on it”
Awkward because #1, why would I be sharing my home with him? That is weird. It has only been a few weeks. Also, why in the world does he want to help me do my work? The awkwardness lies in the fact that men HATE commitment (for the most part). This just ruins things. In most situations.

#2 “You are going to be a good dad!”
Awkward. Who ever said that he even wants to be a dad. Also, you are basically implying that you will be the mother of his children. What if you are a terrible person and he intuitively knows this and would never have children with you? Of course, it has only been 6 weeks so its all fair game right now. By now you should have already named your future children.

#3 Almost saying “I love you” awkwardly
Just don’t do this. It’s never what you actually mean to say so you end up speaking gibberish and trying to back pedal. These two things don’t distract him from the commitment fear. You are basically screwed at this point. Always let the man say those words first to prevent you from experiencing the vast majority of the awkwardness.

#4 “We are getting old! Everyone is getting married and having kids!”
This is a definite no-no. He will think that you are trying to marry him and have his babies or that you are in some kind of rush to marry him and have his babies. Either way, it will create an uncomfortable silence…or else he will laugh at you and ask how many kids you want to have. This flips the awkwardness back on you. He did this on purpose to discourage you from making more awkward statements.

#5 Saying “My ex husband has almost the same initials as you!”
Why.The.Hell.Would.You.Say.This? Of course because you have no filter and it was what you thought of when he saw your tattoo. This is two issues. Part one, don’t ever tattoo anyone’s initials on you unless they are your best friend forever. Part two, now he knows that you could get the tattoo fixed to reflect his initials which is creepy and also damning to the relationship.

Cooking Adventures **UPDATED**

I learned the other day that I should learn to cook/bake because I am now at the point where I am getting older and I should learn to cook or I will never impress a man.

Needless to say.

The past couple of nights have been filled with flour.

I wish I had a working camera to document the insanity that has happened in both my kitchen and Superman's kitchen.

Last night I made cookie dough truffles (yes, instead of doing homework or writing a blog...internet was down and I was feeling lazy). Of course me, being as cheap as I am, decided it is completely not worth it to own kitchen essentials such as a microwave or you know, an electric mixer...

This is what my kitchen looks like after that disaster

I also don't own mixing spoons.

But I was DETERMINED. Seriously, if anyone was going to do it, it was going to be me. It was like the world depended on my cooking abilities to be successful in order for the survival of the world.

[Side note: If you haven't heard about the dead birds, my cooking could have saved them, I was so dedicated]

I was stirring until I almost lost my arm because it said I had to make the butter all creamy with the sugar. Then you have to add flour and all the other crap that goes into cookie dough.

I almost caught on fire, except for I was by myself so I wouldn't have been able to utilize my wonderful Boyfriend Test. Best Friend said he was glad I didn't catch on fire because I would be in pain and he would have to put cream on me. Two things that are not fun for either of us.

This is how I almost caught on fire

Anyway, the cookie dough truffles ended up being successful. I brought them to work and shared them with my coworkers. I figured it was healthier for me to share or else I would eat them all up quickly.

It didn't stop there.

I went over to Superman's house to make waffles and bake challah with him.

Waffles = messy success
Challah = messier MAYBE success

We learned 2 things - sometimes it IS necessary for me to make him call his parents in front of me or he could just listen to me in the first place.
Also, we learned that whole wheat flour is not the same as the regular all purpose flour. OOPS. (Thank you to E-Rock's mom...I definitely was unable to help him realize that making challah healthy just isn't worth it)

It was an adventure.

After all that experience I have decided to use a cookbook and learn me some tricks in the kitchen.
I am still the master at making drinks though, so I figure I can do that and Superman is now in charge of food.

How does that sound, deer?

I am "off work" for the next couple days - expect me to dream up creatively amazing things to write about. I'll also document some more adventures WITH photographic proof (not just my amazing drawings) to share. :)

The Spirit Animal

One time I decided that I wanted a job at a hospital. It was my only desire because if you actually get a job at a hospital as a C.N.A. then you are actually getting somewhere in life. You make more money and do a lot more than just wiping butts. You also have the opportunity to be trained as a tech which means you can poke people with needles.

So I went to the job interview. All the questions were going great. Until she threw me for a complete loop.

I kid you not. She asked “If you were an animal, what would you be and why?”

My mind went through a series of answers. I could say Lion because I value family and because they are fierce and can roar loud. I could say Tiger because they look cool and I think I look pretty cool most days. A lamb because I am gentle.

Nope. Picked none of those.

I impulsively said “Giraffe.”

She looked a little surprised.

Who the hell picks GIRAFFE?!

I DO!

This is what I saw in my head…

However, I don't think she really wanted to hear that my tongue is very giraffe like.

So I had to quickly think of a reason why I was like a giraffe.

Needless to say, I decided to say the first thing that I thought...

Tall.

Yup. That's right. I told the Director of Nursing I would be a giraffe because they are tall.

In my creative BS moment I said being tall is important because I can reach the leaves on the trees that not everyone else can reach and feed them. 

She still looked shocked.

Director of Nursing's face...

And no I wasn't.

I am just a creative genius. 

Ever since then if this question ever comes up in my life I will correct the interviewer and inform them that it is my SPIRIT ANIMAL and I channel the powers of a giraffe every day.

I still buy t-shirts with giraffes on them if I see it. 

I had an awesome Volcom one that my sister stole.

That's right Marissa. Caught you in a crime. Again. That you actually committed. 

Things That Annoy Me...and Kesha.

Today I discovered the Library. After I finished using philosophical principles to figure out what the right answers are on my test, I realized that there are a lot of things that completely annoy me about…well…anything.

Namely.

1. When a teacher/proctor asks me if I am really done with my test that soon…

Of course I am done. Why else would I come ALL the way over here to give you my test? Why would you question my intelligence or study habits? Then I begin to panic…wait a second, am I really done? Should I have taken longer to think through my answers? What if I filled in the answer sheet wrong? Can I please have my test back actually? No? Why not!? I need more time! You said I could have 3 hours and I know I only took one!

Then I realize, I really know nothing more than I somehow managed to get out of my head and onto the paper in the first place…so who really cares?

Then I get defiant. And annoyed. And glad that she now has to submit my test and really do all the work of going to the fax machine and typing in those numbers and click send. That’s a lot of work. More than it took for me to actually take the test. Take that librarian!

2. Drunk drivers at 5:00pm that don’t realize that they are really drunk

So, driving to the library today I encountered a drunk driver. A clearly very intoxicated driver. Or else it was a person who should not have a driver’s license EVER. Driving slow annoys me. It annoys me worse when people drive in both lanes so I can’t even get around them. I am forced to be extra careful because I can’t go anywhere to get away from them. They make sudden turns without a turn signal, and then almost swerve into oncoming traffic. I sit there anticipating that there will be an accident I have witnessed and I will be forced to miss my test.

So, dear drunk driver…you have two problems. Number one is that it is 5:00pm so you clearly have an alcohol problem. Number two is that you are too stupid to realize that drunk driving is dangerous to both you and me. If I see you again, I will probably chop your balls off if you’re a man and destroy your life if you are a woman.

3. Subway…I am hungry. I just want to eat, I wish you would put what I wanted on my sandwich instead of putting whatever you think I want on it

I then proceeded to go to Subway (getting home and realizing that I still have delicious dinner in my refrigerator that I should have eaten). For some reason, the people who work at this Subway decided that I wanted green peppers and tomatoes on my sandwich. While I appreciate their dedication to my New Years diet, today I wanted to eat absolute crap because I had just taken a test and it was 7:30pm and I was still not home from the time I got off work at 5.

4. Kesha

I think I might have a secret Kesha guilty pleasure because I am currently totally jamming out here listening to her.

This makes me angrier because I really don’t find her deserving of the fame that she has. I totally deserve to be as famous as Kesha for my blog. It is just as pointless.

She did just say on national television that her goal for the New Year was to not be a douche bag.


That being said, I figured I would write about New Years Resolutions.

1. Eat good food instead of crap.
2. Break my unhealthy addiction to Diet Coke, Red Bull, and 5 Hour Energy (…this is the real reason I am a vampire E-Rock…)
3. Be nicer. I realize this could make me come off as being a Barbie doll. Permanent grin on my face and such. But I intend to be a Barbie doll forever.
4. Stop terrorizing and destroying everything around me
5. Stop being a douche bag.

I can say that because this is a blog and not national television. Take a note and stop posting stupid videos about spirit animals Kesha. My spirit animal is so much better than yours (be prepared for the blog that follows about spirit animals from my point of view!)

How I Became A Boy (Emergency deflection blog)

No. I did not switch my gender. As far as I'm aware anyway.

Apparently today or this week in general I have changed. I thought I had changed into MORE of a girl. I got my hair highlighted again, I got new makeup, I was wearing very cute clothes. It was noticed. I thought.

My boss told me that my eye makeup looked really good.

A few hours later I was feeling pretty smug about this when I was told by someone who needed help showering that I was a boy. He said it just like this, “Well Alli, you know, you're kinda like a boy.”

My heart broke.

I walked into the staff office and told my coworkers about this. Of course, they are two men and since men are incapable of seeing a girl be completely distraught they really didn't pay it any mind. One of them said very matter of fact that he had heard that before from other residents about me. I told him to shut up...then I realized, he is serious....

A couple days later I was about to get into the elevator with a completely different person. He called me SIR. I corrected him, but he told me that he was SURE that I was a SIR. I told him to just please call me Alli. He said, “Yes, sir.”

I realized I wasn't going to get very far with this so I just walked into the office sadly. I still can't figure out what makes me a boy at all. The earlier person did eventually tell me it was because I can hang. “You're just one of the boys, Alli. You need to paint your nails. That's how you get a man. I know you are on a manhunt.”

Well, God love 'em. I suppose I can handle being a boy for now. 

When my camera gets fixed I am going to post a picture of myself right here. 

Judge for yourself if I am like a boy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Procrastination

Today was a different sort of day for me.
It started off like any other, I woke up, showered, got dressed, attempted to find my keys for a good 10 minutes (they were in my purse, just like they always are), and drove to work.

I walked through the doors today and it was like I entered an alternate reality (fitting considering I am supposed to be studying this for my philosophy test that is TOMORROW).

Mind you, I have been working for 80 hours already this pay period and only a week of it has passed. So, my mind is barely managing to grasp simple concepts like time, space, proper communication skills...

I am running into things, dropping anything I pick up, and still agreeing to do a ridiculous amount of work in my compressed day. I decided to cut hair (I cut VERY bad hair today...VERY bad...hopefully tomorrow I can buzz  it a little better, oops, thanks uncoordinated/tired hands). I am pretty sure I may have dropped an F bomb at work.

Meanwhile, my mind is in 20223292732 different places. Back and forth between my friends, music I want to download when I get home (and upon writing that I put 3 albums in my download queue). I am thinking about random things that I feel almost a COMPULSION to do: go become a blonde again, eat a Wendy's cheeseburger, smoke a cigarette.

By the way, I don't even smoke, but for some reason today when I was helping a client buy her cigarettes, they looked DELICIOUS. I might have just eaten them like some kind of crazed animal.

So, in the end I devoured a cheeseburger from Wendy's, avoided cigarettes, and successfully became a real blonde.

However, since my mind is still a spinning mess of everything and because I am a huge chicken, I have decided to use my blog to be my little buffer.

All the steps in the right direction have been taken. You should just give it up and be my boyfriend. I really don't want to have to light myself on fire, or relationship request you, or wait to see what I know that you have done with the ghost hyenas, or make you call your parents...

I forgot to draw your hair, or our eyes out of my exhaustion.
But save me the grief of having to risk my life to make you think I'm cool. :)


And now I will begin studying my philosophy because I don't think my professor would ever be impressed with this blog, especially now that I have possibly defiled it out of my passive procrastination process.

The Boyfriend Test

Apparently many women have become confused about boyfriends. I guess they kind of don't exist anymore, which is fine for them, but it leads women into an almost psychosis trying to figure out what to do to try to exert some power or claim territory.

I am probably no exception considering I have developed a 5 step test to figure out if he is your boyfriend or not.

#1 Light yourself on fire and see if he extinguishes you.

The best way to do this is by challenging him to a roman candle fight. This way, when you both catch on fire, he might put yours out first. If you feel the need to light yourself on fire, please attempt to light the pants area so you don't lose your hair. If he saves you at all, he is probably your boyfriend. Boys don't save girls they don't care about.

#2 Propose a relationship on Facebook

This is pretty self explanatory. Make sure you do this while he is sleeping so that when he wakes up he has to decide to confirm it or ignore it. His foggy mind thinks more in your favor than his awake, clear mind.

#3 Devise a way to get him to call his parents in front of you

Imagine you are cooking together and something goes suddenly very wrong. Get him to call his parents to ask for help. He will be pressured to answer the question of why he was cooking or who he is cooking with. Either way, your name is going to come up! If he denies your presence or calls you a friend, he is a sleaze bag and will never become your boyfriend.

#4 Become clingy around his friends

When you are with him and his friends, insist on holding hands and kissing him. If he allows this, then he is definitely your boyfriend. Also, he might introduce you as his girlfriend which might solve the problem. If he doesn't let you kiss him, or stops bringing you around, then he doesn't deserve to be your boyfriend anyway!

#5 Draw him a ridiculous picture and see what he does with it

When you give the boyfriend in question a picture you drew, gauge his reaction. Either he will be so overcome with happiness that he declares his love, or he will give you a fake smile. These don't matter as much as what he does with the pictures you give him. He will either hang it up, or set it to the side. Hanging it up indicates that he is your boyfriend because he will be forced to explain why he has ghost hyenas hanging up in his place.

My friend Mike says that these are ridiculous and do not gauge a man's commitment to you. I disagree. Talking to him and asking about titles only confuses and scares a man...avoid this at all costs!

Now, go get him ladies!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

The Jellyfish.

I drew this to represent the pure nastiness that I saw escape a woman's body a while back. It looked and felt like a jellyfish...

It was also pink due to a smoothie she drank.


Mmmmm.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

The Awkward Text

On several occasions I have experienced the phenomenon of the awkward text message over the past couple weeks and have been able to break it down into categories of awkwardness...

#1 The Sexual Reference
This text almost always comes when you are with someone that you are dating. It refers to sexual tension or a past relationship that you had downplayed until then. Almost always, you have told the new boyfriend/dating guy/special friend that it is safe to check your phone for you and they inevitably stumble upon this text. This creates a period of silence and quiet questioning that you can't ever stop.
There is unfortunately no real way to fix this one. You both can ignore the awkward truth, become jealous, or break up. None are good options. Neither is lying. Don't even try.

#2 The Ex Wishing You Happy Holidays
This text will find you at midnight on New Years telling you to have fun and be safe. Inevitably, you are left confused as to why this person still has your number after 3 years. Upon further investigation you realize that this isn't a mass text because your name is in the message....The ex text is only nice if there is not a 3 year gap from the last time you spoke. It's almost creepy.

In this case, ignoring it is probably your best option. Play dumb if necessary...or if the texts continue until 1:30am and you really want to sleep, there is no shame in pretending that you just got this new number and have no idea who this is. :)

#3 The Text About You That Wasn't Meant For You
This can be awkward no matter what the content of the text is. Either a surprise party is being thrown, or someone hates you. I like to text back in the negative situation thanking the sender for being so kind as to tell you how they really feel. I wish I could see their face when this happens, unfortunately texts are impersonal. If it is an exciting text, you must pretend you don't know so they don't change the surprise. (If you are me, it's hard to not experience convulsions of excitement when you see the not so sneaky texter).

#4 The Drunk Text
Usually it is a bunch of scrambled letters, numbers, and symbols. You can't decipher this message and clearly the drunk person wants you to respond because they keep texting you this garbage. Texting back is usually ineffective because their eyes are too blurry to know what you are saying anyway. Turn your phone off and smack the offender early in the morning to wake them from their hungover sleep.

#5 The Attempt To Fight Text
This person will send you a very passive aggressive message about something you did that they didn't like. Clearly in an attempt to upset you, they might call you names, undermine your authority, or even tear up the work you have been doing. Don't get mad. This stupidity will bite them in the butt someday. It's best to ignore it, especially when you run into them in public. I always act incredibly sweet, and then they don't know what to do. :)

#6 The Will You Be My Girlfriend Text
Ignore it. The lucky person should not be so afraid of rejection and should just ask in person. For that matter, who even asks anymore!

#7 The Breakup Text
This is the worst kind of text. Obviously, they can't handle emotions. This is where I suggest a clever response... or not! You can just show up to whatever your normal plans are and force them to face you.

When in doubt, pretend you didn't get the message. You look way cooler and they look dumb. What could be better then that?!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5