Self-Destruct in 3...2...1...

Often when things are going really well, I become suspicious of them and start plotting how I can destroy whatever is around me.

Normally I channel this into something good like my job, cooking, painting. I also rely heavily on intuition which tells me when I can't channel this and instead I begin to pay attention to whatever little thing inside me is telling me to become aware.

This is the point when it becomes obvious that I am going to go on my dinosaur path of destruction. I will destroy everything in sight.

This coupled with my completely unhealthy addiction to Diet Coke give me the ability to continue terrorizing everything until it has reduced itself to a pile of ashes.

This is never good.

Once it is completely destroyed I realize that I shouldn't have become so suspicious in the first place and then begin trying to reconstruct everything in order to try to make everything the same as it once was.

I'm kinda like some kind of Godzilla - but a friendly one. It's this weird self-defense mechanism that turns on and sometimes I just can't turn it off until I am completely sure that I have every reason to not need it. It's the times that I think I don't need it that I actually do. I know I should have trusted my intuition in the first place and then the ashes that are scattered around me happen to be my own.

Unfortunately, I have no way to distinguish when to trust it and when to not trust it, so about this point in time is where I begin to destroy. There are times when as much destruction as I plan and act on, nothing happens because the subject of my destruction is completely immune to it. Or maybe they are on the exact same path to ruin the world as I am on and therefore we just collide and bond like molecules do.

Or maybe I get emotionally attached and then the fear of every hurting anyone keeps me in check.

Sometimes when I start to feel those invisible emotions forming I panic.

I'm looking for every way out, but I don't want to get out. So I stand there still. I just stand. Thinking/Planning/Deciding if this is worth it or not or if it really is real. So much of me knows that it isn't real but then the same so much of me knows that I am being absolutely ridiculous and nothing I do will ever guarantee the outcome so I might as well enjoy being reduced to ashes.